Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Leave me alone. Or not.

I have said it once and I will say it again; I am convinced that I am socially awkward and irrelevant. This does not help my plight to become famous as I have always desired. In fact, its quite a hindrance... Seeing that I cant ordinarily approach unfamilliar people and tell them of my greatness. But its alright. I'll find a way around it.
However, I have this theory that I've shared with a few of my friends and has gone on to agitate them. The only reason (I think) why anyone would want to be friends with me, with the obvious exception of those really cool peoples that tolerate my idiocy, is if they've been in the future and seen that I'm famous and now they've come back to the past and want to be part of my great success. Makes sense right?! So all you girls out there that want a piece of this... You aint getting it! I think I'll hang a 'Closed. Gone Fishing' sign on my neck just to put the point across.
In today's bus ride, I'm seated next to a 60 something year old man who's playing games on his phone. Well as this may be fine and all, he has the volume up for all, sundry and sundry's family to hear. I think I'll name my kid sundry; you know, so that he feels like he belongs. So this game. I think its about ducks or duck porn. I can hear ducks oooohing and aaaahing like they've been spanked or coitusly handled. (I learnt a new word today. Coitus. Not so sure bout the spelling though. Mfano kwa sentensi... That chic can coitus it. Lol.) Technology was not invented for people over 50. If your folks have a better phone than you, they are either in denial about old age or you are... Stupid -couldn't find a smarter word.
As sure as Justin Beiber is gay, I do not make these stories up. I seat next to the most awkward of people on buses.
I just heard a phone go off with the 2go beep. Remember 2go?! Its more of 2went today seeing how long its been. Who goes on 2go anyway?! Its so old, the snake probably used it to trick Eve into eating that forbidden fruit. Haha. I made a joke. I am so funny! *slaps Kevin Hart.
So today I was thinking about death. I think I'll post bout it tomorrow. My stage is next.
Delete your browser history. You do not want people seeing that you read this nonesense.

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Monday, September 24, 2012

Safaricom 7s! IYAA! Whatever that means.

The 17th edition of Safaricom Sevens was a success. I'm not particularly too big on rugby but 7s is a must attend. The sights and sounds are simply unbelievable. If possible, I'd make the event one of the country's National symbols. Never before have I felt so... Kenyan. As a fan sitting in the stands and watching Kenya play while thousands of like minded fans help you cheer your country on... Its... Simply amazing. And that is from a fan's perspective. I can't even begin to imagine how it feels to actually be on that field and actually be the one being cheered on as you represent the country. Prodigious.

So today in the jav on my way home... I'm seated next to a mami that's feeding. Yes feeding. Not eating. People who eat have basic etiquette and know that it is uncultured to open up a bag of aromad food in a public service vehicle. Judging by how she's eating, she's having fries and chicken bones because all I can hear is the crushing of bones by teeth. I digress. But she's so annoying!!!!

I view 7s as more or less my New Years of sorts. Every year I go and assess how far I've come since last year's edution. Like last year I was broke... Now... Still broke. No progress on that flank. Plus all Saturday I hang out with my cousins who derailed me from going (that and my obvious lack of money and a poor phone network. You know its actually ironic that on Safaricom 7s there isn't any network...)

Is it legal to punch someone between the eyes coz of shitty feeding habits? No? Well I think you're stupid too.

What I found ironic though, was those people who went to the stadium just to watch the event on screen at the village. I don't understand it. You'd see a couple of dweebs seated on chairs looking at a screen showing a game thats being played not more than 100 metres away. Whats up with that?!
And lets not even get started on the main reason for Safaricom 7s or any rugby event for that matter. No. Not the rugby. You'd actually be an imp for thinking that people go for the love of the game. Well some do (raises hand) but the rest... Let just say they're out to have a good time. I came from my cousins' place in Nairobi West at midnight and the multitude of people outside... Gosh! You'd think that people were being given free stuff- seeing how us Kenyans love freebies or thats just me. Btw for all the lovers of mutura, Nairobi West is the place. Directly opposite Lazinos. I dont care what anyone says. That is the best African Sausage I've had in my life and trust, I've had alot of African Sausage. Pervert!!!
So yeah. I spent Saturday as an uninvited guest at my cousins', who I am sure wanted to chase me away seeing that I almost emptied the fridge. I just have a knack for fully stocked fridges... I love to empty them. It'll be a while before they let me back in there.
Spent the most part of Sunday doing the Mexican wave and the Kenyan Kayumbet or so I hear its called.
Kenyan rugby is a must watch sport. Like how American have the NFL and the Super Bowl... We have 7's and the Shemaji derby which if anyone saw the news, was packed like...ummmm... Sijui. It was just really full.
Next year I think I'll go with my girlfriend. Seeing as how we're in a long distance relationship with her living in the future and all.
And maybe... Just maybe, I'll have money. It is impossible to be broke three years straight. Right?! Right?!

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Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Text your intellect and other short stories

I have a problem with people that have poor texting habits.
This is a topic that's is long overdue and needs to be discussed. I usually don't care much for how people structure their text messages since I came to the realization that not everyone has the ability to text entire words like me; and I'd hate to impose my morals on the world. So, I'll let it alone.
There are two mamas in this hoppa who are shouting their lungs out you'd think they're five. I think they're in KSL since they be preaching some legal stuff but seem too old to be in campus. Clearly maturity and age aren't always synonymous. They have really good grammar though. I think I'll just listen to them talk about their boyfriends, lecturers and True Love the September edition which is apparently a good read. I digress.
So a friend of mine just sent me a text,
hw u
Yes. That was it. Keep in mind that this is a really good friend of mine not the random kind of friends that text only when they want money. I have not replied to this message becausr I dunno how to without seeming sarcastic. Several problems with this text.
1. Punctuation. Mami if you cannot afford to insert a Capital letter in your text or even in the least a question mark, don't bother texting. I don't want to seem like some sort of linguist or grammar teacher... Well I really do not care if I come out as either, but this could be the reason why you don't get a job what with your poor punctuation.
Us guys have stopped to refuel . Never seen a hoppa stop to refuel. I always think they use... Air for fuel. Hmmm. I digress.
2. That text does not make sense. Assuming it reads 'how you'... How you what?! Why did people go to school anyway?! You studied English as a subject for 12 years of your life so you could text that?! Clearly Jesus did not die on the cross for your kind. We (I) understand that SMS has 'Short' somewhere in it but surely how short or economical can you be?!
Remember the loud chics?! Yeah. So one of them sat on a wet seat. Now her pants are soaked and she's throwing tantrums like stones. She just said she'll change when she gets to school. I thought it ended with shoes but women actually have a change of clothes in their bags. I won't even ask. You'd think they're prepared to act out an episode from Lost. Wanawake... (-_\) I digress.
And isn't it funny how smileys can change the entire mood of a text. I know right. Like you'll be texting someone something sarcastic and slide in a smiley to make it all less insulting to their knowledge. Like 'Bitch you're fat ツ' and they'd be happy about it. What's up with that?!
It however must be remembered that typos in texts are mistakes and thus should not be judged. I see you looking at me saying that I make typos in my texts and blogs. Well Bitch you're fat ツ
Oh. Now I'm seated next to a priest. How cool is that?! Huh?!

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