Sunday, January 30, 2011

The directory of Masturbation Phrases.

A big date with Rosy Palms
Adjusting your set
Attacking the one-eyed purple-headed warrior
Auditioning the finger puppets
Backstroke roulette
Bashing the candle
Being a virtuoso of the skin flute
Being your own best friend
Biffing off
Bleed the weed
Blowing the load
Blowing your own horn
Bludgeoning the beefsteak
Bopping the Bonzo
Boxing the bald champ
Boxing the jesuit and getting cockroaches
Boxing with Richard
Buffin' the bishop
Buggering your hand
Burping the baby
Burping the worm
Buttering the corn
Caning the vandal
Capturing the bishop
Charming the snake
Checking for testicular cancer
Cheesing off
Choking Kojak
Choking the bald guy until he pukes
Choking the sheriff and waiting for the
posse to come
Clamping the pipe
Cleaning your rifle
Clearing the snorkel
Climbin the tree
Climbing Mount Baldy
Closet Frisbee
Coming into your own
Cooking the cream of cock
Corralling the tadpoles
Couch hockey for one
Cranking the love pump
Cranking the shank
Crimping the wire
Crowning the king
Cuddlin' the Kielbasa
Cuffing the carrot
Dating Miss Michigan (think geography)
Dating Rosie Palm and her five sisters
Defrosting the fridge
Digitally oscillating one's penis
Doin' The Solitary Rhumba
Doing handiwork
Doing It Your Way
Doing the five-knuckle shuffle
Doing the janitor thing
Doing the pork sword jiggle
Doing the White Knuckler
Doing your own thing
Draining the monster
Dry humping the ottoman
Electing the president
Engaging in safe sex
Faxing the Pope
Feeding the ducks
Firing the Surgeon General
Fisting your mister
Five on one
Five-knuckle-shuffle on the old piss pump
Flick on over the thumb
Flogging the dog
Flute solo
Fly fishing
Fondling the fig
Freeing Willy
Frosting the pastries
Galloping the antelope
Genitalic stimulation via phallengetic motion
Getting a date with Slick Mittens
Getting chafed
Getting the German soldier marching
Getting to know yourself
Getting your palm red
Getting your pole varnished
Giving it a tug
Giving yourself a low five
Gluing the lady's eye's shut
Going a couple of rounds with ol' josh
Going blind
Going on a date with Handrea and Palmela
Going on Peewee's little adventure
Going the blow
Grappling the gorilla
Greasing the pipe
Hacking the hog
Han Solo
Hand Shandy
Handy work
Hard labor
Having a one-night-stand with yourself
Having a tug-of-war with the cyclops
Having an arm-wrestle with your one-eyed
Holding the sausage hostage
Honing the cone
Hugging the hog
Humping the hose
Ironing some wrinkles
Jack hammering
Jerkin' the gherkin
Jerking Jamby
Juggling the coullions
Kicking seamen
Kicking your roommate out for five to ten
to "call your parents"
Launching the hand shuttle
Looking for ticks
Loping the mule
Loves labors lost
Loving the muppet
Lubing the Tube
Making a foreskin cone
Making instant pudding
Making the bald man puke
Mangling the midget
Manipulating the mango
Manning the cockpit
Manual labor
Manual override
Master bacon
Meeting Rosie Hancock
Milking one's self
Milking the moose
Mounting a corporal and four
Much goo about nothing
My sex life!
Nerking your throbber
Oiling the glove
Onan's Olympics
One gun salute
One man show
One off the wrist
Packing your palm
Paddling the pickle
Painting the ceiling
Palming the calm
Peelin' some chiles
Peeling the banana
Performing diagnostics on your ManTool
Perling the oyster
Petting the lizard
Phoning the czar
Pipping the pumpkin
Playing a one-stringed guitar
Playing Peek-A-Boo With Mr. Johnson
Playing pocket pinball
Playing pocket pool
Playing tag with the pink torpedo
Playing the one-stringed melody
Playing the skin flute
Playing tug-o-war with the cyclops
Playing Uno
Playing with the spitting llama
Playing with your turtle (for uncircumcised
Pleasing your pisser
Plunking your twanger
Polishing Percy in your palm
Polishing the family jewels
Polishing the helmet
Polishing the rocket
Polishing the sword
Popping the cork
Pounding off
Pounding the bald-headed moose
Pounding the pud
Preparing the carrot
Priming the pump
Pud wrestling
Pulling rank
Pulling the bologna pony
Pulling the Colonel Sanders Heimleich
Pulling the goalie
Pulling your own leg
Pumping cream
Pumping the python
Pumping the stump
Punching the clown
Punishing Percy in the palm
Ramming the ham
Rapid one arm pull-ups
Relieving tension
Riding the great white knuckler
Rolling your own
Romeo and Himself
Roping the pony
Roughing up the suspect
Rubbing the pink eraser
Running off a batch by hand
Sacrificing sperm to the god of lonely nights
Sanding wood
Scouring the tower of power
Secret handshake
Self-induced penile regurgitation
Self-inflicted intercourse
Shaking hands with Jack McNasty
Shaking hands with Mr. Happy
Shaking hands with Yul Brenner
Shifting gears
Shining the helmet
Shining the pork sword
Shining your pole
Shoot skeet (pull...shoot)
Shooting flies
Shooting for the moon
Shucking your corn
Slaking the bacon
Slappin the purple headed yogurt pistol
Slapping the hampster
Slinging the jelly
Snapping the monkey
Solo flight
Solo marathon
Squeezing your cheese-dog
Stinky pinky
Stirring the batter
Stroking the one-eyed burping gecko
Taking a shake break
Taking matters into your own hands
Taking part in population control
Taking the Jocelyn Elders Midterm
Talking quietly to yourself
Taming the shrew
Taunting the one-eyed weasel
Tenderizing the tube steak
Testing the testicles
Testing your batteries
That crazy hand jive
The art of Unisex
Trouser snake CPR
Tugging the slug
Unloadinging the gun
Varnishing the flagpole
Waking the dead
Waking Wee Willie Wonka
Walking the dog
Whipping up some sour cream
Windsurfing on Mount Baldy
Workin' out a stiff joint
And some additional ones submitted by Anthony:
Bashing the Bishop
Waxing the Dolphin
Spanking the Monkey
Flogging the Log
Greasing the Pole
Slapping the Salami
Choking the Chicken
Strangling the Cyclops
Pulling your middle leg
There are actually a few ones for the ladies too,
but it sure looks like many of these terms are
invented by men as well...
Brushing the beaver
Doing my nails
Doing the Two Finger Slot Rumba
Finger blasting
Flicking the bean
Going Mining
Jocelyn Eldering
Makin' waves for the man-in-the-boat
Making soup
Nulling the void
Paddling the pink canoe
Parting the red sea
Playing the beaver
Playing The Silent Trombone
Rolling the dough
Strumming the banjo
Surfin' the channel
Tickling the two fingered tango
Toggling the bit

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Cash issues

Dear D,
My nigger! Ssup man?! It’s been long (too long if I don’t say myself).
So I’m doing great-thanx fer asqin. Just been havin some trouble with Mama Blodwyn. Apparently, she daent want me to get a jobo. Well that would have been all good and dandy but as it seems, I am cashless and we both know how grumpy I get when me don’t have me Benjamins.
So like most of my fellow citizens, I’m forced to live life on the poverty line (not below it coz I still enjoy some luxuries like flushing toilets and a gas cooker (yaay for me!).
Naturally, I wuld be comfortable with staying at home from Monday to Monday but a niccur can only take so much boredom before getting bored of being bored-yes, it happens. Plus I have-how do you say- needs. Needs I as a man need accomplishd and attended to. Take my Cleopatra for instance. When I met her, she couldn’t eat anything I bought with my chums. No matter how much I tried to buy her stuff, she always resented it akisema ati atafeel ‘indebted to me’ (her words not mine-I don’t use big ass words like indebted…they make my head hurt.)
This, dear friend, was before the recession so I was ballin like Kobe on steroids. But as you might have realized by now, it is quite difficult to show off to the blind. And as such, Cleopatra never got to taste the many moneys I had. Friends complained that their ‘significant others’ demanded too much from their pockets but noooo not my Cleo. Then it hit me…this was a blessing in disguise!!!! I was what you may call an unapt dude. Oh happy day. I didn’t have to buy chocolate, ice-cream or any other shit just to make her happy! One word. Bliss.
Then we went to *second base*. Since I still wanted her to think that I wanted to blow cash on her, I occasionally bought the lil snacks from Suprmkts and offer them to her but she’d kataa them (duh). Then they’d be ‘consume’ by me. The actual person for whom they were purchased. *naughty grin*
So this day it’s us strutting along the mediocre boulevard that is Kenyatta Avenue when she articulates her desire for ‘mabuyu’. (Just so you hadn’t realisd that was my big word sentence- I’m so happy). I suggest we go to Jamia Mosque since it’s the closest and most convenient place to get ‘em.
So we get there and she picks up a pack worth 10 baab as I casually do the same. I give the mathe there a tweny baab coin expectin my change back. Shock on my Big Blaq African Ass. Hakulipa! Since its technically just 10 baab, I let it slide this time. I dart over to her and sarcastically ask,
‘What happened to feelin indebted?’
Then at that precise moment, she gives me The Look. Now D, if you can relate, The Look can be compared to that look that yo slutty chicdee gives you just before she gives you really gr8 shag. Its sort of a ‘you are about to have the time of yo life’ but in this instance, the time of yo life part-not exactly a good thing.
Ever since, she gets this impulsive urges to ‘spend MY money’. Up until my imposed ‘send-off’ from xul late last year, providing for her desires wasn’t mux of an issue (Don’t get me wrong these Cleopatras needs ain’t *like this like this* needs). But now since (btw who said you couldn’t begin a sentence with ‘But’? I just did!!!!!! Suck it up bitch! And I can even do ‘and’…I even did it! Ha! ...I feel like such a rebel ryt now..anyhuuuuu)I’m, Mama Blodwyn sees it unnecessary to give me my Benjamins, so apparently I don’t have anything to do wif cash, I’m forced to do odd jobs to Provide for Cleopatra’s occasional needs.
I did however enjoy my many moneys when I had my chance though. 
*Piece of advice: save your money for the days ahead. Vitu zinaendaga mrama matime*
Otherwise keep safe bana.