Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Cash issues

Dear D,
My nigger! Ssup man?! It’s been long (too long if I don’t say myself).
So I’m doing great-thanx fer asqin. Just been havin some trouble with Mama Blodwyn. Apparently, she daent want me to get a jobo. Well that would have been all good and dandy but as it seems, I am cashless and we both know how grumpy I get when me don’t have me Benjamins.
So like most of my fellow citizens, I’m forced to live life on the poverty line (not below it coz I still enjoy some luxuries like flushing toilets and a gas cooker (yaay for me!).
Naturally, I wuld be comfortable with staying at home from Monday to Monday but a niccur can only take so much boredom before getting bored of being bored-yes, it happens. Plus I have-how do you say- needs. Needs I as a man need accomplishd and attended to. Take my Cleopatra for instance. When I met her, she couldn’t eat anything I bought with my chums. No matter how much I tried to buy her stuff, she always resented it akisema ati atafeel ‘indebted to me’ (her words not mine-I don’t use big ass words like indebted…they make my head hurt.)
This, dear friend, was before the recession so I was ballin like Kobe on steroids. But as you might have realized by now, it is quite difficult to show off to the blind. And as such, Cleopatra never got to taste the many moneys I had. Friends complained that their ‘significant others’ demanded too much from their pockets but noooo not my Cleo. Then it hit me…this was a blessing in disguise!!!! I was what you may call an unapt dude. Oh happy day. I didn’t have to buy chocolate, ice-cream or any other shit just to make her happy! One word. Bliss.
Then we went to *second base*. Since I still wanted her to think that I wanted to blow cash on her, I occasionally bought the lil snacks from Suprmkts and offer them to her but she’d kataa them (duh). Then they’d be ‘consume’ by me. The actual person for whom they were purchased. *naughty grin*
So this day it’s us strutting along the mediocre boulevard that is Kenyatta Avenue when she articulates her desire for ‘mabuyu’. (Just so you hadn’t realisd that was my big word sentence- I’m so happy). I suggest we go to Jamia Mosque since it’s the closest and most convenient place to get ‘em.
So we get there and she picks up a pack worth 10 baab as I casually do the same. I give the mathe there a tweny baab coin expectin my change back. Shock on my Big Blaq African Ass. Hakulipa! Since its technically just 10 baab, I let it slide this time. I dart over to her and sarcastically ask,
‘What happened to feelin indebted?’
Then at that precise moment, she gives me The Look. Now D, if you can relate, The Look can be compared to that look that yo slutty chicdee gives you just before she gives you really gr8 shag. Its sort of a ‘you are about to have the time of yo life’ but in this instance, the time of yo life part-not exactly a good thing.
Ever since, she gets this impulsive urges to ‘spend MY money’. Up until my imposed ‘send-off’ from xul late last year, providing for her desires wasn’t mux of an issue (Don’t get me wrong these Cleopatras needs ain’t *like this like this* needs). But now since (btw who said you couldn’t begin a sentence with ‘But’? I just did!!!!!! Suck it up bitch! And I can even do ‘and’…I even did it! Ha! ...I feel like such a rebel ryt now..anyhuuuuu)I’m, Mama Blodwyn sees it unnecessary to give me my Benjamins, so apparently I don’t have anything to do wif cash, I’m forced to do odd jobs to Provide for Cleopatra’s occasional needs.
I did however enjoy my many moneys when I had my chance though. 
*Piece of advice: save your money for the days ahead. Vitu zinaendaga mrama matime*
Otherwise keep safe bana.

1 comment:

  1. Fast forward exactly 5 months later and I am dumped because I couldnt buy her lunch...ha! Thats the best she could do. Lunch! Enyewe at least I tried to make my breakups seem legit!Fast forward exactly 5 months later and I am dumped because I couldnt buy her lunch...ha! Thats the best she could do. Lunch! Enyewe at least I tried to make my breakups seem legit!