Its to the slammer with you!

3 seconds. That's the amount of time it takes the average internet user to read the content of a page and flip to the next. No. I'm not talking about pages of real books because heaven knows that noone here reads any more, unless of course it is themed around escapist content. 50 shades of grey comes to mind. Yeah. I see you looking at me Alma, sit down.
3 seconds is such a short time to make an impression on someone let alone impress them. (Yeah. That seems about right) It sets minimum threshold of interestingness pretty high plus it doesn't help that people are hopelessly incapable of prepossessing. But hey, a Guy has got to try.
I have learnt through personal experience that misery does indeed love company and that people love to see other people unhappy. So this is my story of wretchedness that I hope will fuel all your little malevolent hearts into a darker place than you already are. (I'm going through a phase)
So back in freshman year when I was young and virgin to the ways of varsity, I cheated on an exam. All you self righteous oafs can put your hands down. Thing with campus is, its all fun and games up until the last 3 weeks of the semester -which are really the ones that matter- the exam week. At my school for example, this is the only time when photocopiers go on overhaul almost every single day because of the bulk of the work. The woman that works the photocopier at school even knows the handwriting to the sharpest girl in my class. Car Parks are full, stationary stock is depleted and don't even get me started on the queues in the cafeteria, unending. Picture election day, at a polling station, in Kibera. Bingo. School becomes, well, school.
Its actually alot of pressure to pass exams. Especially in law school. Not that many people make the cut eventually. I remember my class had an admission of well over 200 students back in freshman. Now, we're less than 50. Yeah. Its okay. I get scared too; and to think we still have a whole year of studying to do. Gives me the hibby gibbies.
Law of contract II. This is me, a stunningly gorgeous freshman bloke, about to sit this paper amid all this pressure. The lecturer was (is) a piece of work. In his first class, he chases two people from class for whispering senseless whatnots to each other. Nothing says don't fuck with me clearer than that.
He still does chase people away from his class. But this is Campus you say, where is the freedom? Where is the humanity? Well in Bosire's class all of you are a bunch of natives who have been funded by your villages to come to campus to study and stand as the (only) tangible achievement of your homesteads. (sic) But he is a good chap he is. His overbearing ego grows on you.
I had read for that exam. I swear on Zeus' beard I had studied. But when in that moment of doubt, you look around the whole class and (almost) everyone has a small piece of paper tucked in in (almost) all their orifices, you question your preparedness. So that second of doubt leads me to my bag where I had my study notes writen out on a long ass paper. See I can't study without writing (visual learning my sister calls it) so I grab my written notes from yesternight and hide them in my coat. This would otherwise have been a very normal story if I wasn't caught. Like a deer in the headlights. It happened oh so quickly. How I even finished that paper only heaven knows.
The months succeeding that event were probably the longest and most uncertain I have gone through in all my existence. I mean how do you tell your folks? I know people have been through worse experiences but its that moment, that precise moment when you break it to them that never leaves your mind. My dad once called me an eye sore. Lol. You just wait. I'll show him some day. (By the way, he has never known, good old mum)
Disciplinary panels are worse than court rooms. First, because you have to argue out your case on your own. No advocate shall be provided for you by the court. No sir...its just you, your borrowed tie and your new haircut in a room filled with old people staring down at you with their contemptuous spectacle aided eyes with faces void of expression. *cue shivers. Secondly, more often than not, judgement on you has already been passed. All you go there to do is bargain your sentence.
Long story short, I'm still in school with a year left to go. I still have nightmares about that day though. Gets me all fidgety when I think about it. I was supposed to go for counseling from the Dean of students as part of my sentence, since I claimed temporary insanity as part of my defense. Guess I won my first case :)
But look at me, do I look like I need counseling?

I have no title for this post

I'm thinking of a good metaphor to equate this feeling to but none presently comes to mind. Phoenix rising from the ashes comes close but doesn't quite nail it on the head.
I am a negligent blogger a repetitive confession I must add. Last blog I posted was a little under 2 months ago; but in my defense, I haven't had a platform to write and post on.
I 'borrowed' mummy's modem (and had her believing that her workmates are little theifing ferrets) which I guess a neighbour of mine later stole as well. Karma. Such a lady. My little old phone was stolen from me in the most stupid of ways -a story that would make for good humour this, but I still feel stupid about it. So for the last 2 months I have had my thoughts bundled up in my tiny little head with no escape. Though I think they deserve credit for this goatee it has grown out really fast. But females dig men with goatees right?! *strokes goatee
I have been going over some other blogs though. I doubt you understand how an internet connection makes for good entertainment on what would otherwise have been a boring day in the office. That, solitare, spider solitare, sudoku and the daily crossword. Yes. I am resourceful.
My twitter timeline has lately been awash with countless links of shared blogs from all over. Whereas there are some really bad blogs out there yes even worse than this one. With people who say 'pals' *shivers There are some good ones. REALLY GOOD. One particular blog by Biko Zulu comes to mind. I have a little confession. The first time I read one of his posts, I had a dictionary at hand. Not that I don't know my grammar or vocabulary, but just to confirm if his words were correctly used and in context. Spot on everytime. You'd actually replace the word with its defination from the dictionary and it would make perfect sense. Easily my most favourite blog... ever. He's the baba yao of bloggers in my book. His posts tell a story even when they don't. And there is no denying that he takes his work VERY seriously. Writer by profession. He writes for the love of writing and you can see it in how he lets us in to his life and most private and emotional moments of his life like here. I find myself pointing up to that pseudonym and whispering... I want to be like that guy. I am in love with that blog. He calls it high school. I want high school's number.
Based on this... I've thought of a rebirth of sorts. I had a classmate back in high school. Heathen. Dines with Lucifer himself and lays in his chambers with his wife. Okay. Maybe not so bad but he wasn't so good either. I can't remember why I held such resentment towards the little fellow -this old age- but the point of the story is that every Sunday when there was an alter call he'd be first in line to get saved, then Monday he would be back to his evil ways. Sometimes it would take 2 weeks for recidivism to kick in but it always did. So we wondered... how many times really could one get born-again again? Similar script different setting; I've come back to this blog oh so many times in answer to my own alter call. Fresh and bursting with energy hoping to write some kick ass posts but hardly do I ever deliver (I feel like a politician!). But hey. I'm here now. And I shall make the best of it. Don't compare my work to Biko's though. It would be unfair. I'm always rusty after a little time off. Plus he's older.

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Elections 2013. Think about it.

Oh don't I just love politics. Actually, we all do; we just chose to brand it differently. Politics and gossip are two aspects that are more similar than they are different. You may not realize it but it is truth. I don't recall ever publishing or even writing a politically inspired post. But with the elections next year, why not?!
I first realized my passion for politics when I found myself listening to the 9 o'clock news particularly in expectation of the political feature. Citizen Tv, as most of you know, has this feature dubbed 'The Kibaki Succession'. It aims at assessing the country's political situation making regard to the chances (if any) of the potential successors of the now retiring president. President Kibaki has had a pretty good tenure, with more achievement than failures obviously. Most notably being the free primary and secondary school education schemes which Kenyans think they are 'entitled' to, so much so that I doubt we hardly ever take time and think how life was before the entire establishment. There's also the infamous Thika Road which I have a problem with. Why?! I think it was a misguided priority. Yes the road opened up the interior, that much I do not refute, but if anyone has been to the coast, you understand what I mean. The deplorable state of infrastacture is disheartening. Think about it like this, close to everything you own is imported. Just look around. Your Tv, radio, car, well over 90% of your wardrobe, pretty much everything. Ask then, how those items got to where they are right now. They passed through the port of Mombasa and was driven through that pathetic 'thing' they call a road up to where they stand. So yeah. I think Thika Road was less important of a priority.
Back to the show. It hosts a wide array of political analysts and their subjective views. It is captivating listening to people liken politicians to chicken and estranged wives. Quite hilarious actually. It actually a recommended watch.
Which brings me to the real subject of this post. Elections 2013. It will be my first time voting as it will be for a large number of people. Basically anyone's that below 22. I am sure that is no small number. Consequently, I want to be able to make my vote count. I was having a conversation with someone the other day where they pointed out how its impossible for me not to make reference to a tweet I came across mid conversation, so as you guessed it, I will do the same thing here as well. Because its MY blog. :-) So while making my aimless strolls on the TL, I came across this one, 'If you vote Ruto, Raila or Uhuru as your President, we can't be friends.' In as much as it may have been meant as a joke, it actually makes sense.
Lets make an analysis.
Ruto has since droped out of the race for the top job and endorsed Uhuru as Presidential Candidate under the Jubilee Coalition. (Jubilee because Kenya will be celebrating to 50 years of independent sovereignity next year. Sneaky these politicians). Kalonzo linked up with Rao to form the Cord Alliance with him as running mate. So basically its Rao vs Uhuru. The major backing that these two have, comes from their tribes. Other than that, they wouldn't be too famous with the electorate.
My problem with Uhuru's camp is their pending cases at the International Criminal Court. The rules of fair judicial procedure demand that one is innocent until proven guilty in a court of competent jurisdiction beyond reasonable doubt. So technically, he is innocent. But international crimes are no small thing. Trust me. Any one that has gone to a competent law school will tell you the same. When a person commits a crime if international nature such as piracy, genocide or crimes aganist humanity as the Hague 4 have been acvused of, jurisdiction subsequently moves from the domestic or national platform to the international plane. So the suspects are technically subjects of international law, just like states. Lets think of it like this, imagine yourself as an employer, because tecnically, thats what you are as a voter, would you employ a person who is 'accused' of criminal offences into your business?! No matter whether or not they are guilty, the charges leveled aganist them reflect negatively on their credibility and integrity and by association, yours as well. So, no. No #TeamUhuru for me.
Mother however is of a totally different opinion. She will vote for Uhuru because he defended his people during the post election violence. An act in self defence she says. He took up the responsibility of a leader and sought to defend and protect the lives and of his fellow tribesmen when noone else was willing to undertake such. Very convincing if you ask me, but is that all we should look for in the next President? Its a matter of opinion really.
Rao. My problem with Rao is pretty simple. He's old. He speaks reform and change yet he's been in government for the last 10 years. Second in command after the president in the last five. If he wanted to implement 'change' and 'uongozi', he should have done so then. We cant keep complaining of the old crop if leaders yet we elect them in. A significant portion of the Prime Minister's Constitution is the largest slum in East and Central Africa. I believe that I speak for the majority when I say that not enough has been done to elevate the status of Kibera.
My choice candidate, Peter Kenneth. My reasons are simple. He resonates an aspect of hope and change. His charachter avers his relation and passion for the youth of the country from his campaign slogan, 'Tunawesmake' which is a slang derivative from 'We can make it' to his demenour which has had him been equated to the Kenyan Obama (Which is ironic since Obama himself actually is, Kenyan).
I doubt my single vote will do much to influence the overall outcome of this election. But if you need any more convincing, read this. It convinced me. I hope it does you. Be wise. Vote smart.

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From the heart.

Today I write from a staircase. I feel all poetic and artistic in the perfect setting to write and express myself. Lol. Screw that shit.
So I've been well thanks for asking. Still alive unfortunately... I'm sorry but I'm not going to do suicide, if you want me to go, you'd better just come do it yourself. Oh, and I got a new girlfriend. Yeah. I dont think she knows about the blog. If she did she wouldnt be with me; judging by all the dumb stereotypes that go with bloggers. I may not have a life, but atleast I have this blog, which is definately more than I can say for most of you creeps... I also have a girlfriend. And she's pretty. Very pretty if I dont say so myself.
So this blog has seen my worst and best moments. It serves somewhat of a memoire to remind me of how pathetic my life has been over the last couple of years. I actually love to write. Very random things if I may add. I find a certain solace in words. They are probably the most flexible and malleable of symbols to convene emotion. I actually had a diary of sorts where I wrote out all my thoughts. I actually had-attempted only in vain- to keep it a secret. But when my mother bought me another identical book for my birthday 'coincidentally' after the original one filled up, I gave up; both on writing and keeping secrets. I actually suck at keeping secrets. If you want the world to know it, tell it to G.
Okay. Back to the real point here. My girlfriend. I find it almost impossible to hold a conversation with someone without making reference to twitter. So in the same regard, I once saw this tweet, 'You know life has been kind to you if you never find yourself doing things that you stood aganist.' Well with the way my life has been a roller coaster the last couple of weeks, I've engaged in my fair share of 'Catch me dead doing...'s' some totally irrelevant in this context and others... Not quite too much. This whole relationship included. After my last one, I seriously vowed not to get into another relationship so long as I was still in school. I know all of us have had that one. It can be equated to the 'I will never drink another drop of alcohol in my life' phrase most frequently said the morning after. But life has its own little way of showing us who's boss. Fast forward several months later and here I am, no regrets and enjoying every second of it.
But I am insecure. Its one of my worst vices. Its rarely predominant in how I handle my life and issues but it is there.
Like today for instance, we had our first disagreement. Ladies (who read this blog, though I doubt you exist), the only piece of advice I can give you as relates the men in your life, they want to feel wanted. Every man wants to feel important and useful to you. And yes, I said every man, particularly men you share a relationship with- dads, brothers, boyfriends, clandestine boy toys, secret lovers name it. Its like a basic need. When you laugh at our corny jokes and want us to do stuff for you, we like that sh¡t. No. Correction... Love it. We may not always show it, but its actually true.
So imagine my frustration when my girlfriend enjoys being in the company of every other guy except me. She finds solace in confiding in my neighbour the reason she's mad at me rather than tell it to me herself. That she'd be laughing with a couple of guys and then suddenly change her mood when I get into the room. I'm pissed. Irked actually. But what you gonna do about it... Smile and wave. All I have is the hope that kesho will be a better day than today was.

Plus I just heard her scream to someone, 'I (curse word) have a boyfriend!!'
It prolly is going to be a good night day after all.

Ignore all I just said. Have a good morning.

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Leave me alone. Or not.

I have said it once and I will say it again; I am convinced that I am socially awkward and irrelevant. This does not help my plight to become famous as I have always desired. In fact, its quite a hindrance... Seeing that I cant ordinarily approach unfamilliar people and tell them of my greatness. But its alright. I'll find a way around it.
However, I have this theory that I've shared with a few of my friends and has gone on to agitate them. The only reason (I think) why anyone would want to be friends with me, with the obvious exception of those really cool peoples that tolerate my idiocy, is if they've been in the future and seen that I'm famous and now they've come back to the past and want to be part of my great success. Makes sense right?! So all you girls out there that want a piece of this... You aint getting it! I think I'll hang a 'Closed. Gone Fishing' sign on my neck just to put the point across.
In today's bus ride, I'm seated next to a 60 something year old man who's playing games on his phone. Well as this may be fine and all, he has the volume up for all, sundry and sundry's family to hear. I think I'll name my kid sundry; you know, so that he feels like he belongs. So this game. I think its about ducks or duck porn. I can hear ducks oooohing and aaaahing like they've been spanked or coitusly handled. (I learnt a new word today. Coitus. Not so sure bout the spelling though. Mfano kwa sentensi... That chic can coitus it. Lol.) Technology was not invented for people over 50. If your folks have a better phone than you, they are either in denial about old age or you are... Stupid -couldn't find a smarter word.
As sure as Justin Beiber is gay, I do not make these stories up. I seat next to the most awkward of people on buses.
I just heard a phone go off with the 2go beep. Remember 2go?! Its more of 2went today seeing how long its been. Who goes on 2go anyway?! Its so old, the snake probably used it to trick Eve into eating that forbidden fruit. Haha. I made a joke. I am so funny! *slaps Kevin Hart.
So today I was thinking about death. I think I'll post bout it tomorrow. My stage is next.
Delete your browser history. You do not want people seeing that you read this nonesense.

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Safaricom 7s! IYAA! Whatever that means.

The 17th edition of Safaricom Sevens was a success. I'm not particularly too big on rugby but 7s is a must attend. The sights and sounds are simply unbelievable. If possible, I'd make the event one of the country's National symbols. Never before have I felt so... Kenyan. As a fan sitting in the stands and watching Kenya play while thousands of like minded fans help you cheer your country on... Its... Simply amazing. And that is from a fan's perspective. I can't even begin to imagine how it feels to actually be on that field and actually be the one being cheered on as you represent the country. Prodigious.

So today in the jav on my way home... I'm seated next to a mami that's feeding. Yes feeding. Not eating. People who eat have basic etiquette and know that it is uncultured to open up a bag of aromad food in a public service vehicle. Judging by how she's eating, she's having fries and chicken bones because all I can hear is the crushing of bones by teeth. I digress. But she's so annoying!!!!

I view 7s as more or less my New Years of sorts. Every year I go and assess how far I've come since last year's edution. Like last year I was broke... Now... Still broke. No progress on that flank. Plus all Saturday I hang out with my cousins who derailed me from going (that and my obvious lack of money and a poor phone network. You know its actually ironic that on Safaricom 7s there isn't any network...)

Is it legal to punch someone between the eyes coz of shitty feeding habits? No? Well I think you're stupid too.

What I found ironic though, was those people who went to the stadium just to watch the event on screen at the village. I don't understand it. You'd see a couple of dweebs seated on chairs looking at a screen showing a game thats being played not more than 100 metres away. Whats up with that?!
And lets not even get started on the main reason for Safaricom 7s or any rugby event for that matter. No. Not the rugby. You'd actually be an imp for thinking that people go for the love of the game. Well some do (raises hand) but the rest... Let just say they're out to have a good time. I came from my cousins' place in Nairobi West at midnight and the multitude of people outside... Gosh! You'd think that people were being given free stuff- seeing how us Kenyans love freebies or thats just me. Btw for all the lovers of mutura, Nairobi West is the place. Directly opposite Lazinos. I dont care what anyone says. That is the best African Sausage I've had in my life and trust, I've had alot of African Sausage. Pervert!!!
So yeah. I spent Saturday as an uninvited guest at my cousins', who I am sure wanted to chase me away seeing that I almost emptied the fridge. I just have a knack for fully stocked fridges... I love to empty them. It'll be a while before they let me back in there.
Spent the most part of Sunday doing the Mexican wave and the Kenyan Kayumbet or so I hear its called.
Kenyan rugby is a must watch sport. Like how American have the NFL and the Super Bowl... We have 7's and the Shemaji derby which if anyone saw the news, was packed like...ummmm... Sijui. It was just really full.
Next year I think I'll go with my girlfriend. Seeing as how we're in a long distance relationship with her living in the future and all.
And maybe... Just maybe, I'll have money. It is impossible to be broke three years straight. Right?! Right?!

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Text your intellect and other short stories

I have a problem with people that have poor texting habits.
This is a topic that's is long overdue and needs to be discussed. I usually don't care much for how people structure their text messages since I came to the realization that not everyone has the ability to text entire words like me; and I'd hate to impose my morals on the world. So, I'll let it alone.
There are two mamas in this hoppa who are shouting their lungs out you'd think they're five. I think they're in KSL since they be preaching some legal stuff but seem too old to be in campus. Clearly maturity and age aren't always synonymous. They have really good grammar though. I think I'll just listen to them talk about their boyfriends, lecturers and True Love the September edition which is apparently a good read. I digress.
So a friend of mine just sent me a text,
hw u
Yes. That was it. Keep in mind that this is a really good friend of mine not the random kind of friends that text only when they want money. I have not replied to this message becausr I dunno how to without seeming sarcastic. Several problems with this text.
1. Punctuation. Mami if you cannot afford to insert a Capital letter in your text or even in the least a question mark, don't bother texting. I don't want to seem like some sort of linguist or grammar teacher... Well I really do not care if I come out as either, but this could be the reason why you don't get a job what with your poor punctuation.
Us guys have stopped to refuel . Never seen a hoppa stop to refuel. I always think they use... Air for fuel. Hmmm. I digress.
2. That text does not make sense. Assuming it reads 'how you'... How you what?! Why did people go to school anyway?! You studied English as a subject for 12 years of your life so you could text that?! Clearly Jesus did not die on the cross for your kind. We (I) understand that SMS has 'Short' somewhere in it but surely how short or economical can you be?!
Remember the loud chics?! Yeah. So one of them sat on a wet seat. Now her pants are soaked and she's throwing tantrums like stones. She just said she'll change when she gets to school. I thought it ended with shoes but women actually have a change of clothes in their bags. I won't even ask. You'd think they're prepared to act out an episode from Lost. Wanawake... (-_\) I digress.
And isn't it funny how smileys can change the entire mood of a text. I know right. Like you'll be texting someone something sarcastic and slide in a smiley to make it all less insulting to their knowledge. Like 'Bitch you're fat ツ' and they'd be happy about it. What's up with that?!
It however must be remembered that typos in texts are mistakes and thus should not be judged. I see you looking at me saying that I make typos in my texts and blogs. Well Bitch you're fat ツ
Bye.
Oh. Now I'm seated next to a priest. How cool is that?! Huh?!

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